I Say Allo

Countryside column for 5^th September

Goodbye Allo, Allo?

The ‘Allo, Allo’ is back. Or at least it reappeared briefly last week after a long absence.

When I first came to this village in the Languedoc, the main method of communicating local events was via an extensive public address system. Two or three times a day, the quiet would be broken by an electronic buzz and a moment’s ear-splitting feedback before the announcer lady began with the loud ‘Allo, Allo’ greeting which reverberated round the sets of speakers positioned on different buildings or lamp-posts.

            Compared with the reserve of my village at home in Kent, the French seem unperturbed by such noise. The bell on the church clock, for instance, has the habit of sounding twice. So at twelve o’clock you get a dozen chimes followed, two minutes later, by another set of twelve. The theory is that vignerons working in the surrounding fields might miss the first one or two bells but, being alerted, would start counting the second time around and so be sure to get home in time for dinner. (Though possibly this might be more useful at midday than midnight). The fact that everyone now has wristwatches and mobile phones to tell the time does not seem to have impinged on this rural tradition.

            In the neighbouring village of Coulobres, which has no shops, a van selling bread and onions announces its presence by sounding its horn loudly and repeatedly as it drives round the streets. This is annoying enough if you are walking the dog a kilometre or so away; what it must be like every day right outside your front window I shudder to imagine.

            Anyway to return to the ‘Allo, Allos’. Their efficacy has been a matter of some debate. On the one hand the sound quality of the broadcast is so poor, and the regional accent so thick, that it’s pretty nigh impossible to make out what’s being said. On the other hand if you could hear and understand the message you might, indeed, be pleased to know that the horse-meat van has just arrived in the square, or that the mayor is holding a séance that evening. (No, not that sort of séance, just a political meeting!).

Since my parish council is always seeking ways to improve communication I might suggest adopting the quaint French idea when I get home. I’m not sure I’ll get many backers though.